It’ll Be Off

According to Non League Daily, FC United reserves/Bacup Borough are planning to sensationally swoop for recently retired miserablist Andrew ‘Andy’ Cole to replace Tommy Turner.

Bacup manager, Brent Peters, reckons the deal is a goer, and moved to whip the crowd up into an orgiastic frenzy by saying “Let’s make one thing clear, this is not pie in the sky. I want Andy Cole to replace Tommy Turner and partner Rhodri Giggs up front.”

With excitement hitting unbearable levels at the news, not just at the prospect of a Cole/Giggs partnership, but at the idea of a pie, IN THE FUCKING SKY, Peters instantly threw cold water of the whole sketchy, hazy, crazy idea by admitting that not only has he not even made contact with Cole, but that when he does his plan to snare him is to sit him down, explain a little bit about Bacup, and point out that David May used to play for them, so Cole may as bloody well.

“He’s a human being.” Peters finally added, correctly summarising the situation.

Meanwhile, in Yorkshire, Simon ‘Max’ Clifford showed he’s still not one to miss an opportunity, by signing Brazil’s most capped player, Cafu, for Garforth Town.

Clifford has previouslymanaged to dupe footballing legends Socrates, Careca and, erm, Lee Sharpe in to turning out for the club. What it is to have contacts, eh?