Kudos must go to one eagle-eyed forumite who spotted the above banner whilst mindlessly masturbating over pictures of pneumatic blondes on the NUTS website. The credit is not so much for spotting what is, after all, a very obvious fuck up, but more for spotting it whilst ogling a teenaged girl dressed in nowt but her skimpies. That, good readers, is a focused, sharp brain.

Alex Ferguson, by the way, would be well at home on our forum. And not just because he probably spends his working hours looking at nude women rather than doing anything constructive. No, a game doesn’t go past without him commenting on the state of refereeing in this country. He thinks he has it bad? He wants to come and deal with the motley collection of myopic, egotistical pirates we have in the Unibond.

There’s a theory put forward by comic book geeks that Superman reappears when America needs him most. He was created in the 30s, in the great depression, reemerged on tot he screen in the 50s in the time of the McCarthy communist witch hunts. Christopher Reeve brought him back to life in the years following Watergate, when trust of the Government was at an all time low. And finally Brandon Routh starred as The Man Of Steel a few years back, when everyone was sick to fucking death of George W Bush treating the world the way a one year old niece treats my telly remote control. With no respect, and little understanding.

So yeah. Rather than deal with their problems in a mature, proactive manner, Americans (according to people who think it’s acceptable to fill their bedroom with plastic toys of Ellen Ripley, Spider-Man and the Predator) tend to turn to a man who was most recently portrayed as a lycra-clad, super-powered stalker. But fuck it, hey? Everyone needs something to hold on to. An icon, a talisman, a figure of hope for a brighter future.

I’d like to think that person could be me. Even the briefest read of the forum suggests we are in for a hard slog of a season. “Make no mistake,” one mysterious, deep voice, doom-monger put it. “We’re in a relegation battle.”  And the glanciest glance of the league table shows he may have a point. Ignoring Durham, not because of their hopeless haplessness, but because I believe we’re nailed on to lose to them, and I don’t want any “IN YOR FACE, MAN!” style jeering from their remaining fan, we do appear to be towards the bottom of the table. And our recent form, LLDWL (coincidentally the name of the village the Boogie Bus stopped off at on the way to Colwyn Bay) doesn’t fill me with a ready brek glow.

But fuck it. We’re not in a relegation battle. We’re in November. Early November. And just a couple of weeks ago we were looking at going third if we won our games in hand. We’ve – we the team, and we the supporters – been sidetracked by a fun if diverting cup run. We’ve been playing twice a week on heavy pitches. And we’re suffering from the traditional FC United slow start. What makes it look so much worse is the bonkerscrazy nature of this league, where everyone (well, not exactly everyone) can beat anyone. So yeah, we’re four places off bottom. But win our games in hand, and we’re only three points off Ashton United, who we comfortably beat in the FA Trophy the other week.

Everyone needs to calm down, I think

How to ruin a perfectly good arm

Ah, John Lawless (pictured right, with a nasty looking blemish on his arm), you sure know how to make friends and influence people, don’t you?

A bit of background. A few weeks ago, John Lawless made the universal gesture of the cunt, mimicking an aeroplane to mock those who died in the 1958 Munich air crash. His reward was a half time visit from the police, who warned him and his team about their conduct. He also saw a rejuvenated and passionate FC United team win the match through a last minute Nick Robinson goal. Rarely has a goal at Gigg Lane been celebrated so wildly – not just for the three points it delivered, but because it rammed it right down the throats of Lawless and the rest of his cretinous ilk (we’re looking at you, Shaun Tuck).

After the match it emerged that Lawless, who once lived next door to Wayne Rooney, and counts Jamie Cchhhharraghghghghgherrrr’s stepbrother as a close friend, was a member of FaceBook group ‘munich 58 was da fookin best thing ever, like’ or something equally retarded. And while Lawless could easily have been convicted of being a cunt without this glaring piece of evidence, it’s always nice to have further proof to back it up.

Yesterday, Marine FC sacked the player. Or at least his contract was terminated ‘by mutual consent’. In a short statement on the official Marine FC website, it was revealed that they would rather cease to exist as a football club than have scum like Lawless play for them. Not in so many words, like, but I imagine that was the subtext.

Further to this excellent piece of news, it was revealed in the Bury Times that Lawless could still face an FA charge after the match referee mentioned the incident in his match report. Full credit also has to go to the stewards and to the police (blimey, never thought I’d write that) for the immaculate way they handled the situation.

For apart from being crass, offensive, stupid and displaying an unbelievable level of malice and ignorance, what John Lawless did was possibly dangerous. Had it not been for the swift actions of the stewards, and the words had by the police (who were initially told to ‘fuck off’ by Marine officials when they attempted to enter the dressing room) who knows what could have happened? Several fans were prevented from entering the field to give Lawless a slap, and that could have had serious consequences. Not for Lawless, I couldn’t give a fuck about him, I’m referring to the club, fines incurred, etc. Indeed, our GM Andy Walsh was moved to thank the fans for not rising to such provocative bait.

The story has been picked up by many news portals, including some American ones, who sadly miss the point and see the incident as an opportunity to bash the sport as a whole, rather than concentrating on the sort of brainless moron who would use the deaths of 21 people as some sort of pathetic gesture of defiance.

There is, of course, a wider issue to be discussed here: that of rivalry, its place in non league football, and the choice of song we sing at Gigg Lane. But now is not the time. Now is the time to revel in the misfortune of John Lawless. While we enjoy the pantomime badness of the likes of Iain Mills, and Robert Blackburn, creating a rivalry where perhaps there is none, it would be nice to see a genuinely odious little cretin like Lawless get his comeuppance. Fingers crossed, eh?

Apologies for the lack of updates over the festive period. I was whisked away to Paris by Eurostar for Christmas, where I enjoyed the pound crashing hopelessly, leaving a pint or ‘demi liter’ costing eight fucking quid. Further to which I can’t work out if it’s great or shit that a sandwich costs less than a half. But that’s by the by.

Since then, a brand new addition to the family has taken up all my time. Since rocking up on Christmas Eve all my time and attention has been spent on this new baby. I don’t have time to update a measly (though award winning) blog anymore. I have more important things to spend my time on. I didn’t think I was ready for such a big step, but this has persuaded me otherwise. Just being in the same room as her fills my heart with joy, and a huge grin spreads across my otherwise emotionless face. I’ve been turned in to a gurgling, chuntering idiot, as I talk ridiculous baby talk, forgetting who, and where I am. Honestly, if you were ever in any doubt, don’t be. Get an XBOX360. They’re fucking mint. And apparently I’ve got a new niece, but I wouldn’t know much about that. Well, not until she’s able to play Pro Evo or GTA4 without shitting herself. After all, if it’s the rule I made for Grandad, it’s only fair it applies to her.

So that’s where I’ve been. I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year, and with the unofficial Northern Premier League winter break (running from November to March) nearly over, I have no doubt we can all stagger and stumble on to further greatness in the next twelve months.

Cheers!

Me: Good

Best new blogger, eh? Wow. The pressure is on now. Will I make it through to the ‘Best Blogger Category’ next year, or will I let it all go to my head, and disappear in a cloud of rum and hookers, to resurface years from now writing a Celebrity Love Island blog, a pale, barely recognisable shadow of my former self? With any luck I’ll do both.

Traditionally this is where I take the stage and thank everyone from me Mam to Jesus for this. I’m not going to do so. I’d like to do an Eric Cantona and dryly thank everyone, even those who didn’t vote for me, but I’m not sure I could get away with that. Though, you know, if you did vote for me, cheers. Even if it was only out of a sense of duty. Also, big thanks to twohundredpercent for bigging me up, and Getty for press-ganging and water-boarding people until they voted for me.

But special praise is reserved for the one man who made this blog possible. The one man who provided so much material, so much mirth, and incredulous gawping, to keep me blogging for another decade at least. And with no sign of his bad craziness abating, I look forward to him and I sharing far more success in the future.

Robert S Blackburn, Chief Exec of Bradford (Park Avenue) FC, I dedicate this win to you. Cheers!

Links: Soccerlens, ITV Sport

From the forum:

Karl Maginson is set to play in a charity match at Bamber Bridge to help out for Stuart Howson.

Stuart suffered a double broken leg at Wakefield on the 15th November playing for Brig in a Northern Premier League First Division North fixture. The pain on his face will last long in the memory.

Stuart, who is a trainee P.E. teacher at a local private school will only receive pay for two weeks of his time off work, that time is now up and Christmas fast appraching.

Therefore, we appeal to all true followers of the Bamber Bridge Football Club and other non-league clubs to come out on the 16th December and support this worthy cause.

A team of ex-Bamber Briadge players will take on a team of ex-Chorley players with kick-off at 7pm.

The Bamber Bridge team will include : Steve Berryman, Steve Wilkes, Dave Leaver, Jez Baldwin, Ian Street, Nigel Greenwood, Paul Byron, Andy Whittaker, Neil Reynolds, Lee Ashcroft, Peter Smith, Ian Bryson, Steve Macauley, Neil Crowe and Neil Spencer.

Brig Manager: Tony Greenwood

The Chorley team to include : Phil Priestley, Graham Barrow, Kenny Mayers, Lee Clitheroe, Karl Marginson, John Thomas, Darren Lyons, Joe Hinnigan, John Coleman, Jimmy Bell and possibly Sean Teale and Russell Payne.

Chorley Manager – Tony Hesketh

Thanks for any help offered.

Donations are now available via paypal for those to wish to do so, see Bamber Bridge website (www.bamberbridgefc.co.uk)

or you can send a cheque, again for those who wish to do so, to:

Stuart Howson
c/o Bamber Bridge FC
Irongate Ground
Brownedge Road
Bamber Bridge
Lancashire

According to Non League Daily, FC United reserves/Bacup Borough are planning to sensationally swoop for recently retired miserablist Andrew ‘Andy’ Cole to replace Tommy Turner.

Bacup manager, Brent Peters, reckons the deal is a goer, and moved to whip the crowd up into an orgiastic frenzy by saying “Let’s make one thing clear, this is not pie in the sky. I want Andy Cole to replace Tommy Turner and partner Rhodri Giggs up front.”

With excitement hitting unbearable levels at the news, not just at the prospect of a Cole/Giggs partnership, but at the idea of a pie, IN THE FUCKING SKY, Peters instantly threw cold water of the whole sketchy, hazy, crazy idea by admitting that not only has he not even made contact with Cole, but that when he does his plan to snare him is to sit him down, explain a little bit about Bacup, and point out that David May used to play for them, so Cole may as bloody well.

“He’s a human being.” Peters finally added, correctly summarising the situation.

Meanwhile, in Yorkshire, Simon ‘Max’ Clifford showed he’s still not one to miss an opportunity, by signing Brazil’s most capped player, Cafu, for Garforth Town.

Clifford has previouslymanaged to dupe footballing legends Socrates, Careca and, erm, Lee Sharpe in to turning out for the club. What it is to have contacts, eh?

Welcome once more, dear readers, to It’ll Be Off, where since our award nomination we have upscaled our operation, and now come from a glittering ivory tower, not dissimilar to Nottingham’s Chek Whyte Tower, or Dubai’s Steven Gerrard Tower. Yes, following Gerrard’s not at all offensive in the current climate decision to take a freebie penthouse from the tools who wanted to name their block of flats (you can fuck off with your ‘luxury apartment development’. I don’t remember my Grandma’s council tower ever getting called that) after him, I have decided to move upstairs, and type this post out on the next level of my shared maisonette.

Also, following an unsavoury incident that occured on Friday night, I have broken myhand and am unable to type properly. I have therefore decided to employ former Bradford Park Avenue manager Dave Cameron on minimum wage as my editorial assistant, and he’s highly thankful for the chance to return to gainful employment over the festive season. So yes, the award nomination has changed me – but for the better I feel.

But it’s not all good news. In a startling piece of journalism, The Mirror has revealed how popular former Manchester United captain, and unpopular former Sheffield United manager, Bryan Robson, cheated death in an amazing incident in South Africa.

What was described as a ‘brick’, or possibly it was a ‘rock’ (or hey, maybe a ’stone’), was fired through Robbo’s car window after being thrown up from the road. According to the report it travelled “like a bullet” – bullet’s can travel up to 1500 m/s, just to give you an idea of how fast this brick/rock must have been going – and shattered Robbo’s windscreen. Of course, Robbo being Robbo, he climbed out of his seat and headed it away, leading to what friends described as ‘as egg shaped lump’ on his head. Though strangely, given the article’s propensity for exaggerated adjective, the type of egg was never made clear.

Still, all here at It’ll Be Off (well, me and Cammy anyway), wish Bryan a speedy recovery from his latest sensational injury.

And as it’s nearly Christmas, here’s a video of some Spanish fella saying how great Bryan Robson is.

The more eagle-eyed among you will realise that there was not a single update during the month of November. And the even more eagle-eyed will notice that the updates began on the very day I was nominated for a highly prestigious award, the Soccerlens Best New Blogger award (you can vote for me, or someone not as good as me, here).

While work has ensure that my free time is kept to a minimum, Bradford Park Avenue’s gurning, idiotic manager, Dave Cameron, is finding the opposite. Following a run of results that caused the official BPA website to stop publishing scores in the results section (What is it with that site? They’re happy to print hilarious untruths, but less inclined to publish unequivocal fact), Cameron was offed within a week of former Liverpool player Mike Marsh being appointed the club’s new Assistant Manager. Though that, I’m sure, is as coincidental as me cranking up the old blogging machine the day I was nominated for some award. It seems highly unlikely that a man of the calibre of BPA’s chief exec, Robert S Blackburn, would try to replace a manager he hadn’t even fired yet, doesn’t it?

Ah, on the subject of our old friend Bob Blackburn (who I’ve been told is an avid reader of this site, Hi Bob!), rumour has it that in a creepy echo of the Queens Park Rangers story, he’s been having some say in team selection. I don’t know how true this is, but as the rumour came from an Avenue fan, I’ve seen fit to let you all know anyway. And of course, this isn’t the only Avenue related rumour floating about the non league scene at the moment.

According to a, it has to be said, highly dubious thread over on the NonLeagueZone forum, a letter has been found supposedly from Robert S Blackburn to his players. I’m not going to reproduce it on here, but I will link to it. I’d love this to be true, but given the circumstances surrounding it, ‘discarded rubbish’ and all, it just seems a little too convenient.

Still, there’s a delicious irony about me posting a made up story about Bradford Park Avenue on this website, don’t you think?

They’re like AFC Wimbledon, it seems, but Italian.

I am assured by the fella who writes ‘The Liquidiator‘ blog that the Lodigiani Ultras have a lot of time for FC United. Which is great news. Add ten more to the ‘People Around The World Who Get It’ total. And with Germany and now, seemingly, Italy conquered, perhaps we can concentrate our efforts on England?

http://theliquidator.wordpress.com/2008/11/18/the-longest-day-of-football/