FA Vase winners AFC Fylde (formerly Kirkham and Wesham FC) have seen their midfield player Ged Smith banned by the North West Counties Football League after failing a drugs test. Smith reportedly broke in to a team mate’s flat and stole a laptop and a guitar to sell for smack…. Oh no. Hang on. That was Pete Doherty wasn’t it? Ged Smith was only found to have traces of well known performance enhancer cannabis in his urine.
His club said in the statement released on their website: “For the avoidance of doubt the club have adopted a policy of zero tolerance with regard to banned substances, and in future any player who is found violating this rule will have their registration with the club terminated.”
I’ll leave the final word on this to Eric Cantona: “People should make a distinction between different sorts of substance. If, say, someone takes sleeping tablets or smokes marijuana, that’s their problem. Their performance wont be enhanced – quite the reverse. People don’t take these substances to perform better, and banning them makes no sense to me. Against that, you have guys who take serious stuff, like anabolic steroids, and pass the tests because they’re also taking secondary products to disguise them.”
Joz Mitten, the Scouse hater and FC United legend, has signed for Trafford FC FC.
Liverpool Manager Rafa Benitez, who I’ve long suspected to be in the throes of a mid-life crisis, has backed newly formed AFC Liverpool. Benitez, completely missing the point of being a self-serving manager of a Big Red Club, said “I’m pleased with the idea. I think that with more people closer to our club, it’s good. My message is just to wish them all the best, to score lots of goals and progress to another level. It will be fantastic for us.”
What? Does he not know he’s meant to go purple(r) in the face at the mere mention of them, even goin so far as to ban local journalists from press briefings? It seems he has more to learn than just how to win the league.
Finally, what would a WWW be without mention of our friends from BobBlackburn Park Avenue? The General, who has taken to wearing flowing white robes, and talks of building a 20,000 capacity spaceship to take his followers to a new, purer planet, where they can rebuild the human race, and communicate solely through text speak and smileys, was the subject of an email I received this week.
“Any reason why,” asks my informant, “The BPA website is reporting that Rory Patterson scored a hat trick on a recent trip to Spain when he was away on holiday with his family? Truth is more like a handful of Bradford players went on the piss in Spain. BB is becoming an interfering nuisance and is seen as a bit of a knob amongst the playing staff. It’ll all end in tears.”
I have my team of specially trained sources hot on the case of this one – yes the same ones who brought you the leaked fixture list – so until it’s confirmed I’m taking it with a pinch or two of salt (for instance Rory was away on holiday with his family, but he happened to take them to, err, Spain). Apart from the ‘bit of a knob’ and ‘it’ll all end in tears’ parts, which are incontrovertible. It’ll end in tears alright. Tears of laughter.
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