FC United lost 2-1 away to Cammell Laird, despite going ahead in the first half through a Kyle Wilson goal. Our defending was apparently so bad, that Keystone Studios have asked Andy Walsh if they can buy the rights to the first half highlights. At one stage goalkeeper Sam Ashton was playing all five defensive positions simultaneously. Somewhere out there Rob Nugent is bedridden, grabbing a Doctor by the throat yelling, “YOU GOTTA LET ME PLAY, DOC. I HAVE TO PLAY. I NEED TO PLAY.” It’s not all doom and gloom, mind you, this time last season we didn’t even have one point, and look where we ended up.
Leigh Genesis recorded their first win of the season, 3-0 over Ashton United. Leigh’s goalscorers sound impressively continental – Mansaram, Chetcuti, and as if to ram home the point, Holland scored the third. Apparently Chetcuti finished fifth on Sky TV’s Football Icon. Which is why he plays for Leigh Genesis, and not Chelsea. Unlucky Chetcuti.
Oh joy of joys, BobBlackburn Park Avenue won 4-0. Again. This time against Matlock Town. The whole of West Yorkshire has since disappeared in to a huge cloud of Smug. It’s a fucking pea-souper out there people, don’t leave your house unless you absolutely have to. “TOP OF THE LEAGUE!” crows one cloven-hoofed idiot on the message board. “WHERE WE BELONG.” More amazing than back to back 4-0 victories is the apparent improvement in their spelling. Now that is unexpected.
Ilkeston Town beat Buxton, in Buxton, 2-0, with surname hedge better Morgan-Smith grabbing himself a goal for each family-name he feels it necessary to have. Make a choice and stick with it, Smith. There’ll be no double-barrelleds on my watch, Sunshine.
Elsewhere, Marine won again, 2-1 against Kendal Town. Witton Albion stopped a Merseyside clean sweep with a 3-1 away to Prescot Cables, and in doing so suggested that there may even be a worse team than us in this division. Plus Frickley and Hednesford beat Whitby and Nantwich respectively.
Boston United are still to play, leading many (well, me) to suggest they’ve decided to sit out this league as they’re apparently above it all. If anyone from Boston is reading this, 1. How are you on the internet? Are you running an extension cable from Nottingham? 2. How are you on a computer? Are you runn… oh forget it. Anyway, come on in, the water’s fine.
For full results and scorers, see the Unibond League Official Site. Or don’t. Whatever.
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