It’ll Be Off

Football and the credit crunch
October 5, 2008, 12:41 pm
Filed under: Opinion | Tags: , ,

I was recently asked by some telephone finance expert how I was planning on surviving the credit crunch. Simple, I informed him, I’m surviving it by being largely ignorant of it, by having no form of credit or indeed money, and by double locking the front door and by not leaving my bed unless absolutely necessary. So far, so good. As banks topple like Michael J Fox’s jenga set, I remain safe and sound and smug.

Questions have been raised regarding the credit crunch and its effects on FC United. How will it effect the Dev Fund, will it lead to a decrease in income, and if any local clubs go bust, can we squat in their ground? Well the answer to those questions appear to be, in order, badly, yes, and probably not. And while the government are telling us not to worry, it’s just a confidence issue, we should just spend as normal and everything will be all right, people are understandably being put off by the endless cascade of bankers leaping to their deaths from their now worthless high-rise buildings.

David Conn wrote an article not so long ago suggesting that the credit crunch may have an effect on football as a whole. Or, he argued, it may not. He wasn’t sure. It was an unusually anaemic piece from Conn, who remains The One Great Truth in football. An example of how things could be if other journalists weren’t so fucking lazy. But what is incontrovertible is that attendances are falling. Whether this is due to fans tightening their belts, or just because people are sick to fucking death of football as a whole, remains to be seen. But the sight of clubs starting the season on negative points for financial difficulties is becoming an all too common site. Indeed, when Rotherham played Luton Town recently, many wondered if it was the first ever example of a match being a minus six pointer.

But anyway, all of this got me wondering about how football at our level would be affected. Research has been undertaken for another article I’ll never get round to writing, leading to a furious exchange of emails between me and my editor. But fuck him. Does he not realise we’re in the midst of a credit crunch? I don’t have time to worry about a piffling article I essentially ripped off from David Conn, pitched, and refused to write. It’s all about survival, people.

Where the fuck was I?

Ah, yes. Cornish Homes (UK) Ltd. Due to the current financial crises, and the property market in Cornwall, Cornish Homes (UK) Ltd face liquidation. One of the company’s directors is Kevin Heaney, owner of Truro City FC. He’s been bankrolling the club as they’ve steamrollered their way through the leagues. He also changed the club colours to those of the Cornish flag, and speaks in Sam Hammamian soundbites about creating a club that better represents his people. Although Heaney has been moved to ‘categorically deny his money is drying up’ and that he will ‘continue to fund the club’s success’ it has left many questioning the future of clubs like Truro who are run by a single, rich property investor. And, due to not wanting to be further labelled bitter, obsessed, or ‘a prick’, I shall leave things there.

But all of that alarmingly boring preamble was just to give me an excuse to reproduce the following. Found on the website for Corinsh Homes, this is, I think, the most excruciating example of marketing speak I’ve ever read. It is total drivel, and not only made me not want to buy a house from Cornish Homes, but pretty much put me off owning property forever. Check it out:

Welcome to Cornish Homes. Very chic, very now, very you. Homes for the lifestyle you dream of. The lifestyle you deserve.

Exclusive homes for people like you. People who’ve made it, who enjoy their success. Who don’t need to keep up with the Joneses because, to many, they are the Joneses.

Discerning people who wouldn’t dream of living just anywhere. Bon viveurs who appreciate the finer things in life – good food, good wine, and good theatre.

Homes designed by architects who spent six years of their lives qualifying but still don’t understand the words “second best”. And interior designers who don’t see ideas on makeover programmes and copy them but are used to seeing their own ideas being copied on makeover programmes.

Homes to enjoy your family in; homes to enjoy starting a family in; homes for weekends away or a Summer retreat; homes for empty-nesters; or homes to see out your days in, living in style as you spend your children’s inheritance!

We’d love to show you just how special your next home can be. Over a coffee, preferably.

So give us a call on 01872 261349 and we’ll invite you round to our place. Some might call it a show house, because they’re not used to interiors with that level of style and finish. But we don’t expect you to be impressed. It may be special, but it’s what you’ve a right to expect. And after all, it’s no less than you deserve.

Would you like cream with that coffee?

Good fucking Christ. It’s no wonder they went under.


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

It’s always a coffee, isn’t it? Presumably, if you offered them anything else, they’d scream “TEA? DON’T YOU KNOW THAT I’M ALLERGIC TO TEA, YOU BASTARD? IT MAKES MY NECK SWELL UP LIKE A MATING TOAD! YOU’RE TRYING TO KILL ME, AREN’T YOU?”

Comment by Nottingham's 'Mr Sex'

Mating toads on the pitch at our new ground? Not whilst games are in progress, I hope.

Comment by Riverside

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