Filed under: News | Tags: Crawley Town, Matthew Simmonds, Munich, United Road
Prior to the derby, Manchester United revealed their new anthem, ‘United Road’. Written by Will Robinson and Daniel Ryan (and let’s be honest, with a debt of gratitude to John bloody Denver) and performed by ‘The World Red Army, featuring Richie’, the song set a world record for simultaneous face-palming after 75,000 couldn’t believe quite what they were listening to. Not content with stripping Old Trafford of any sort of spontaneous atmosphere, the club seem determined instead to pipe in their own, X-Factor ballad-lite aural assault. Says Robinson: “I am totally inspired to write lyrics about United – they have achieved so much and are a great club,” presumably taking a break from scrawling God-awful poetry in to the back of his GCSE English exercise book, whilst looking longingly at a girl he’ll never even talk to.
Meanwhile, at universally loathed Crawley Town, a supporter has been arrested after making Munich aeroplane gestures, and signalling 1958 out on his fingers during the video of their special FA Cup song, ‘A Message To You, Rooney’. This, I suppose brings in to light many questions, not least what the fuck are Crawley recording a song for? Wasn’t this once the sole preserve of FA Cup finalists? Can any old non-league side, even ones not financed by dodgy money from fuck knows where, now release a piss poor reworking of a song every time they get past the FA Cup qualifying rounds? An opportunity missed from the board. How good would it have been if Andy Walsh and the Deeganites had done their own cod-Reggae number prior to Brighton away? Exactly as good as Crawley’s – fuck all good.
But back on topic, clearly the fan in question, a 19-year-old lad, is a fucking idiot. But is it in anyone’s interest to have him arrested? The charge is ‘suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress’, which suggests that whoever reported him to the police needs to cowboy the fuck up. Are we not past the point where some spotty div doing the aeroplanes causes anything more than an arched eyebrow and the confirmation that far too many football fans are as classless as they are clueless? Even the picture of the Scousers with their Munich anniversary banner they took to Chelsea didn’t enrage me so much as fill me with a disgust that they couldn’t even be arsed going to the trouble of stencilling the lettering properly. If you’re going to label us Munich cunts, at least put a bit of fucking effort in to it.
Anyhoo, a condition of this lad’s bail is that he now can’t travel up to Manchester for the match on Saturday. I’d have thought a much more suitable punishment would have been to let him travel and leave him unprotected on the forecourt pre-match. Where he’d have had to listen to United fucking Road by the World Red Army featuring Richie as idiots in green and gold sombreros walked past for an hour or so.
Crawley, to their credit, have apparently given the man a lifetime ban from the club, which will no doubt come as a blessed relief. There was also a suggestion, which should surprise no one, that he wasn’t even a Crawley fan, but a Crystal Palace fan. Or, to quote Tony Wilson, an obnoxious Croydon wanker.
Speaking of which, this story from last week warmed the cockles of my black, shrivelled heart. It seems our old friend, Mr Matthew Simmonds, is at it again. Whilst watching his 13-year-old son play football in August last year, Simmonds allegedly became involved in a fight. Naturally, he denied the charge, probably using his stock defence that all he said was “Off you go, Mr Cantona, an early bath for you!” Fingers crossed that Simmonds gets found guilty of assault and receives 120 hours community service, where local school kids get to take it in turns to kick him in the nuts.
And to finish this in-depth investigation in to the world of brainless twats, we play Burscough on the weekend. John Lawless plays for Burscough. Let us not stoop to the level of the imbeciles mentioned in this blog post. Instead, let’s stoop to our own level. Give the fucker hell.
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