It’ll Be Off


The Hills Have Eyes
March 19, 2011, 10:58 pm
Filed under: Match Report | Tags: , , ,

When the pig’s head first landed on the pitch there was a panic that a Buxton local had somehow been decapitated in a terrible off pitch incident. The clammy, leathery skin. The vile, upturned nose. The cold, dead eyes. It could easily have been the face of a Derbyshire hill-dweller.

When it became apparent that all those in the Buxton end remained with head in contact with neck and shoulders, it became sadly clear that one Buxtonian family would be without tea tonight. Somewhere deep in the Peak District, a litter of children almost immovable due to inbreeding, writhed in their nests constructed from straw and faeces, in the knowledge that they wouldn’t be feasting on snout and eyeball soup, and would instead have to suckle from one of their mother’s six hairy nipples. Truly sad.

This obvious and distressing spectacle shook the Buxton team, who remain very closely linked to their community indeed. They soon threw away their hard-fought two goal lead, as Michael ‘Not From Gorton’ Norton pounced twice to ensure FC United got a share of the points and continued their long unbeaten run.

Should Buxton, as a result of today’s game, miss out on play-offs, they can take solace from the fact they were beaten to the punch by a team superior in terms of both technical ability, and evolutionary progress.

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The (why do I still pretend it’s a) Weekly Web Weview
August 25, 2008, 11:04 pm
Filed under: News | Tags: , , ,

Those cuddly misogynists at the forefront of the NWAF campaign will have pulled in a few more followers this week following AFC Wimbledon’s announcement that a woman had returned her season ticket book having found out it didn’t grant her access to next summer’s tennis. Apparently a full refund was given, which is frankly shocking. It’s like trying to return a kettle because it doesn’t make very good toast.

But before too many men get chuckle “Heh, women, eh?” in to their mugs of tea, I feel it necessary to recount the two fellas who got off the plane behind me on the way to watch Manchester United lose to Bayern Munich in 2001. Clad only in shorts and t-shirts, they were both stunned to get off the plane in to freezing weather. “I thought you said Munich was south of us?” the first asked. “Aye, replied the second. But I didn’t realise it was in the bloody alps.” So perhaps a ban on women isn’t necessary, whereas a ban on stupidity would be welcomed?

Stuart Rudd was unavailable to play for BPA this week after his missus and two little girls were involved in a car accident. According to Bob Blackburn on the BPA forum, one of Rudd’s little girls was kept in hospital with head injuries. Putting aside all petty squabbling and name-calling, I’m sure everyone will come together to wish Stuart and his family all the best. He may not be playing in red anymore, but he remains part of the FC family.

There was a slight overkill in Buxton on Saturday, as the police saw fit to close down the whole town centre, offer police escorts to the travelling fans, and segregate the crowd. One forumista suggests that had these measures not been in place there would almost certainly have been some bother. Possibly. But only if people decided to act the twat. Admittedly I wasn’t at the game, but surely we’re big enough to be able to ignore a load of stripey-jumper wearing hill dwellers trying to goad us in to trouble. Most of us have been in situations far more explosive than fucking Buxton away in the NPL, so quite why it was treated like Liverpool or Everton away, I don’t know. Still, it kept the police out of trouble, I suppose.

Meannwhile, the following clip has appeared on YouTube, and will have to do as far as highlights go until the FCUM.tv crew get their fingers out, and their videos up. Good goal, better gooning.

Finally, if you’re not already sick of me, I’ve got an article up on the (otherwise) excellent site, Pitchinvasion.net. Should you wish to read it, go right ahead, but I’d skip over it and read everything else on the site instead. It covers all aspects of football culture, and is contributed to by some far better and more informative writers than me. None better looking, mind.