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Apologies for the lack of updates over the festive period. I was whisked away to Paris by Eurostar for Christmas, where I enjoyed the pound crashing hopelessly, leaving a pint or ‘demi liter’ costing eight fucking quid. Further to which I can’t work out if it’s great or shit that a sandwich costs less than a half. But that’s by the by.
Since then, a brand new addition to the family has taken up all my time. Since rocking up on Christmas Eve all my time and attention has been spent on this new baby. I don’t have time to update a measly (though award winning) blog anymore. I have more important things to spend my time on. I didn’t think I was ready for such a big step, but this has persuaded me otherwise. Just being in the same room as her fills my heart with joy, and a huge grin spreads across my otherwise emotionless face. I’ve been turned in to a gurgling, chuntering idiot, as I talk ridiculous baby talk, forgetting who, and where I am. Honestly, if you were ever in any doubt, don’t be. Get an XBOX360. They’re fucking mint. And apparently I’ve got a new niece, but I wouldn’t know much about that. Well, not until she’s able to play Pro Evo or GTA4 without shitting herself. After all, if it’s the rule I made for Grandad, it’s only fair it applies to her.
So that’s where I’ve been. I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year, and with the unofficial Northern Premier League winter break (running from November to March) nearly over, I have no doubt we can all stagger and stumble on to further greatness in the next twelve months.
Cheers!
Brighton and Hove Albion supporting, punk poet Attila the Stockbroker left the following message on the forum this morning, causing a degree of excitement at I’ll Be Off towers that’s possibly not warranted:
2 gigs in the NW meant that last Saturday I cleverly avoided our home defeat to nine man Walsall (!) and finally made a long anticipated first visit to FC. Really impressed, everything I thought it would be and more. Fantastic atmosphere, brilliant banners, and the best bit of all was the song sung to the tune of ‘Anarchy in the UK’ (I’m DJ/stadium announcer at Brighton and during our darkest days in exile at Gillingham was officially banned from playing that by the Kent Constabulary….I put the Clash on instead) Couldn’t work out the words though!
Well done everyone involved in your brave, inspirational initiative. I’m sure you all know our history – we Brighton fans know exactly what it is to fight for the existence of our club after our ground was stolen from us by greedy moneymen, and you have loads of friends down here. You truly are what I’d love us to be – the English St Pauli, and that’s high praise indeed! If you ever want some loud rude leftie ranting poetry and songs at one of your fund raisers, you’re on….
I was going to post a message this week anyway, but I’m sure you know what’s coming next, and I’m sure you think it’s even funnier than we do! We stuffed the ‘richest club in the world’ fair and square last night (to the pre match strains of ‘Money Money Money’ ‘Hippy Hippy Sheikh’ ‘Take the Money and Run’ and ‘Rock the Casbah’) and it just goes to prove that all the money in the world can’t stop football still being the wonderful, unpredictable game we love. Some City fans were moaning they left out Robinho and some of the other ‘stars’. Well, our top scorer Nicky Forster was out as well. Stop whinging!!! A victory for real football. Just like FC United. Hope we get to play each other one day….and all the best.
PROFITEERS OUT OF FOOTBALL – IT’S OUR GAME NOT THEIRS!
If I needed an excuse to post one of his poems, I suppose this is it. ‘A Symptom Of Modern Society’ was inspired by cretinous former York City chairman John Batchelor who claimed that the demonstrations from angry York fans was “a symptom of modern society”.
A SYMPTOM OF MODERN SOCIETY….
It’s a symptom of modern society.
When our team’s getting stuffed, we complain!
When our history’s sold for developers’ gold
We protest again and again!When we’re told we’re ‘half-wits’ who ‘make trouble
We get angry and filled with suspicion.
‘Cos behind talk like that there’s quite often a rat
Abusing a hallowed position….We’re no longer just dumb cannon fodder.
We’re the fans, it’s our club, and we care.
We want participation, not patronisation!
Let us in – we’ll do more than our share.Please don’t tell us to ‘mind our own business’.
It’s our ‘business’ as much as it’s yours!
We’ve been there since the start, we’re the lifeblood, the heart.
Ever played a match behind closed doors?It’s a symptom of modern society.
We supporters have got off our knees!
It’s a symptom we’re going to encourage –
Until it becomes a disease!
You can read more of his poetry on his official website, http://www.attilathestockbroker.com
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Add new tag, Amputees, Boston United, Oli Ryan, Vote rigging
Ive warmed greatly to Boston United over the past few months. Having spent some of my youth in Lincolnshire, I had only ever previously seen Bostonians as hideously malformed, violent, freaks in pastel coloured Ben Sherman shirts, but since the advent of ‘the internet’ and Boston’s multiple relegation in to what they refer to as the ‘tin-pot snooker league’ I realise now that they aren’t at all violent.
Here at It’ll Be Off we extended the crooked claw of friendship to the quite wonderful IMPStalk fanzine, in the hope that one day I could rip off all their content and claim it as my own. And sure enough, that day came soon after the Pilgrims turned up to Gigg Lane and stole our three points. But let’s not dwell on that. Instead let’s concentrate on the marvellous match report Pete Brooksbank wrote for is, as well as the hilarious NPL Rough Guides that provided us all with literally minutes of entertainment.
Anyway, I recently received an email from one of the Boston lot asking for my help. After their striker Oli Ryan scored a hat-trick against the might of Glapwell in the FA Cup, he was nominated for E.ON Player of the Round. His prize, I’m informed, is a trip to the FA Cup final, and seeing as Boston aren’t expected to get past the semis, it would be a rare treat to send him to Wembley, so he can get buy an £8.50 meal deal, and get stuck outside the tube station for two hours after the game.
Unfortunately some Dartford fans aren’t entering in to the spirit of things. Their seventeen year old goalkeeper was also nominated for the award, despite conceding two goals. Some clever web hackers have worked out a way to cast multiple votes, and consequently, this fella is in the lead. This is bad for two reasons. Firstly, we can’t abide cheating. Secondly, he conceded two goals, and therefore didn’t perform as well as Oli Ryan (I don;t care how many goals he prevented, that isn’t the point).
Even ignoring the footballing aspect of all this, a victory for Dartford is a victory for nothingness. Dartford’s most famous claim to fame is a tunnel. A tunnel, I ask you. Why reward nothingness when Boston is the home of The Boston Stump – Britain’s most famous amputee, Cheers, and is widely reknowned as The Gateway to Skegness, where you can thank long shore drift beach erosion for the world’s longest beach, currently measuring over 6.3 miles from promenade to sea.
So please, do Oli Ryan, the Boston fans, and hell, myself a favour. Click on this link, and vote for their man.
Thanks for your time.
IT has been a tough couple of years for Danny Warrender. Two years ago, he was a young defender on the fringes at Manchester City. By last month, he was playing in the North West Counties League for Rossendale United. Now he’s aiming to pick up the pieces of his career in the United States.
Warrender has signed up to play for San Francisco Seals in the United Soccer Leagues Premier Development League this summer. He won’t be playing against David Beckham – the PDL is the fourth tier of American club soccer. But he will get the chance to get himself back on track towards the Football League after a couple of unlucky turns saw his career take a tumble.
Manchester City’s Academy has produced more than its fair share of stars in the nine years since it was formed. Micah Richards, Shaun Wright-Phillips and Joey Barton are perhaps the three biggest names from the conveyor belt.
Not every Academy graduate becomes a City first-team regular, of course. But many of those who didn’t make it have found name elsewhere; Lee Croft and Norwich, Bradley Wright-Phillips at Southampton, Jonathan D’Laryea at Mansfield, the list goes on.
Warrender was in that latter category. He wasn’t going to be a Premiership regular, but he was, without question, good enough to play for a Football League club. When he got a loan move to League One side Blackpool in 2005, he looked set for a good career.
But then he got unlucky. In the spring of 2006, Warrender was offered a one-year deal to stay at Blackpool. But the contract wasn’t signed. And at the end of that season, Blackpool decided they couldn’t afford to keep him.
So Warrender was faced with the task of finding a new club. A trial at Stockport County came to nothing, and he found himself dropping into non-league football. It’s some tumble to go from being part of a Premiership set-up to the North West Counties League First Division in less than 12 months: a drop of eight divisions. And there’s little doubt that the young defender was playing at a level far below his ability. At just 21, he was far too young to be facing life on the football scrapheap.
Then Paul Aigbogun stepped in. Aigbogun, a defender who played for Leyton Orient, Gillingham and Halifax during a career than also took him round the League Of Wales with Portmadog and Holywell Town, had been doing some coaching at Rossendale. He was heading out to San Francisco to join the Seals, and felt that a move would help Warrender too.
“Danny lost his way a bit, which happens to a lot of young footballers,” Aigbogun said. “He did well when he went to Blackpool, but then he got a little bit disillusioned.
“But I think he will get something out of this. It will rejuvenate him. It’s a professional atmosphere in the PDL; when they do things, they do them right.
“It’s a short season over there; it’s starts in May and only lasts three months, but it will keep him training and playing over the summer. Then he might decide either to stay out there, or come back and try to get a club back in England.”
Aigbogun points to the example of Morecambe defender Chris Blackburn as a player to inspire Warrender. Blackburn’s story is a similar one: released by home-city club Chester as a youngster, he became disillusioned, but was rejuventaed by a spell in the States and worked his way back into the English game at Conference level with Northwich. Now he is looking to claim a place in the Football League with Morecambe, who play Exeter at Wembley in Sunday’s Conference play-off final.
Warrender is fondly remembered at Manchester City, and there will be a fair few at Eastlands rooting for him on his American adventure. And if it pays off, it will be proof that you can climb back from a big fall.
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Full update tomorrow with a look back to Tuesday’s game at Prescot Cables, as well as a special giddy as you like preview of Saturday’s FA Cup tie at Nantwich. If it’s on.
It’s fuck all to do with FC United, admittedly, but Jamie Carragher’s autobiography looks like it’s going to be full of inadvertent laughs. Check this shit out:
Lucas Neill’s lucky escape after breaking Jamie Carragher’s leg
By Jamie Carragher 4/09/2008
When my leg was broken in an horrific tackle by Lucas Neill in September 2003, my mates were ready to hunt him down if I gave the go-ahead.
A few weeks later I received a phone call. “You won’t believe this, Jay. We’re in the Trafford Centre and Lucas Neill is walking straight towards us. What do you reckon?”
Did I really want Neill to take a crack? “There’s only one problem,” added the voice. “Little Davey Thommo is with him.”
That was that. I could hardly let one of my best mates, David Thompson, now a Blackburn player, become a witness to an assault. Besides he’d have recognised the attackers. The impromptu mission was aborted and I sent a text to Thommo telling him Neill should give him a hug of thanks.
As word got back to Blackburn about the near miss, or should that be hit, their coach Terry Darracott, a Scouser, appealed to one of my friends to call the boys off. I agreed.
Which explains why Lucas Neill decided to sign for West Ham instead of Liverpool, I guess. But wait! There’s more!
After I established myself at right-back, our African defender Rigobert Song found himself out of the team and our previously healthy relationship instantly deteriorated.
One morning in training he was told I’d been called into the England squad after performing well at full-back.
There was a look of astonishment on Song’s face – a bit like the one we used to give him when he claimed he was only 21.
He might as well have blurted out he thought I wasn’t good enough for international football.
He strolled off to his French speaking friends and began talking to them. I could see him pointing towards me while everyone was grinning. It was clear what he was saying and the rage inside me simmered.
Later, Song walked on to the training pitch with a smile on his face. He was limping off it with a grimace an hour later. The first chance I got, I did him. Never have I hunted down a 50-50 tackle with greater appetite.
“You’re not f***ing laughing now are you, you soft twat?” I said as he hobbled away.
Did I care he had a knock? No way. I don’t remember him or anyone else in the squad for that matter trying to take the piss out of my ability again.
What a marvellous human being Jamie Carragher appears to be.
You wouldn’t get our defenders acting like that, no sirree. And their literary output seems to be fair more interesting than the usual ‘contraversial’ autobiog. A quick Amazon search reveals two titles by a David Chadwick, the snappily titled ‘Zen is Right Here: Teaching Stories and Anecdotes of Shunryu Suzuki, Author of Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind’ and ‘Thank You and Okay! An American Zen Failure in Japan’.
So is this the secret behind Chaddy’s recent heroic form? Has he finally aligned his chi and found inner peace through meditation? Next time you see him, ask him this: If the Main Stand are in a forest, and no one’s there to hear them, do they make a sound? And if they do, is it the same sound as one hand clapping?
At least us Tammies are 3rd in the BSN and doin’ better than you northern useless bunch of tossin’ wanked mother freekin’ inbred useless tw@t5. Go back to Old Trafford and pucker up to the Glazier’s arse’s, that’s all your good for!
Well it took them long enough, but eventually some Tamworth fans found the internet. Having hooked up their etch-a-sketch to a typewriter, and plugged it in to a phone socket, they stumbled across my blog and were outraged by the suggestion that nothing of any importance had ever come from their daft little town. Apparently Tamworth is home to the first policeman, some pigs, and a two other things of such breathtaking cultural importance I can’t even remember what they were.
Anyway, the above message was left in my comments section by a guy called Henry. He claims his email address is henry@thelambs.co.uk, but if that’s the case he appears to have some official connection with the club. He’d also be massively, massively stupid to leave such an abusive comment and put his name and email address to it. Which, judging by the way he uses the English language, isn’t beyond the realms of possibility.
So, Henry, thanks for your feedback. I’ll be making inquiries today as to whether or not you exist (actually, I probably wont. I’ve got a fair bit of work on, but should someone else wish to, they can go for it), and if you do, why you’re spending your time sending me abusive and grammatically imperfect emails. Helpfully, this site also logged your IP address, 84.13.254.49, from which I can get all manner of useful information.
So nice one, Henry, you ‘mother freaker’, you.
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So the ‘Through The Looking Glass’ issue ended up as a huge misunderstanding, and I was made to look ridiculous having shown my arse without bothering to check up on the facts. And having called in to question the integrity of another, I can only apologise fully and publicly to Mikael Holmkvist, who never intended to cause offense.
But some good has come out of this. As I read his apology, it clicked with me who Mikael was.
A couple of years ago a mate of mine who lives in Sweden emailed me about a book that had just come out. Called ‘From The Ashes FC United Rises’, it had been written by Mikael, who had taken a job in Manchester just so he could follow the team he supported. He picked a bad time for it, right at the start of our annus horribilis of 2005. But even from the biggest piles of manure do delicate roses grow (or something), and Mikael became an FC United fan.
Mikael has very kindly agreed to write a few paragraphs about his story, and it’s a great read. To paraphrase the Simian King of Philosophers, Ian Brown, it’s not where you’re from that matters, it’s where you’re at.
——-
My name is Mikael Holmkvist. Up until 2004 and I was working as a classroom assistant in Sweden with kids who have problems in different ways (mentally, socially or phyically). I really liked it ’cause I love working with kids, but my desire to move to Manchester was too strong. I found a family just outside Manchester that needed an au pair for a year so I thougt it sounded great, working with kids, living in an other country and being able to watch United live.
So 2 weeks before Rooney signed for United I was there and everything was great! Can’t find a better family to work for and I could watch United live whenever there was a game and I had the money. I can imagine it souds a bit funny with a 25 (29 now) year old male au pair haha, but I have no complaits whatsoever.
And then, in 2005 I got an offer to buy a seaon ticket at Old Trafford for the coming season (2005/06), I thought I was dreaming. But I had to think about it for a while (and save up some money haha). I had already signed an extension with “my family” to stay for one more year, and in came Glazer. I hate all the commersialism going on around United but this was just too much. I made up my mind quite quick, I was not going to attend Old Trafford or give the gimps my money, but I was gonna stay in Manchester for another year, so I was really confused about what to do.
I read about the fans that wanted to set up their own club and thought it sounded ok but I wasn’t sure it was the right way to go. Then I went to the Apollo meeting and it really inspired me and suddenly I felt hope (for the first time in a very long time). So in September 2005 I went to my first FC game, and Godness me, this felt like home, this was me, standing with nice people feeling the same way as me and who really loves United! We won 4-2 and I felt a tear after the game. The next thing I did was to buy a season ticket and since I had missed a couple of games I didn’t have to pay for them, only for the games that were left to be played at home that season – was it a dream or was this for real?
After that I don’t miss many FC United games and I love it all, it doesn’t get any better. All my mates back in Sweden said I was an idiot and stuff like that, living in Manchester and don’t attend Old Trafford because of the owners. So every time I go home I preach the message for them and tell them all the facts that the newspapers never mention. A few of them have visited me and I always take them to Gigg Lane and they all say, ‘wow, that is football like it was meant to be!’ (and yes, they really like all the pubs around the ground as well).
After convincing some of them that this is not a bad idea I thought about my long lived dream, writing a book. And I thought that this was a perfect opportunity, writing a book about the thing I love the most, next to my family. Said and done, it came out in 2007 and I’m pleased since I’ve sold 200 copies (doesn’t sound much but this topic is not something that is really big in Sweden). And I, as you know, write a blog about United and FC. I do all this, blog and book, because I want to show the people over here the great example we at FC set.
What started as one year has now become 4 and I’ll stay for more year, in the same family. My life can’t get any better and when I’m at the M.R.E singing my heart out for the lads it doesn’t get any better, FC United is my drug! Me and the oldest son in the family has got a ST and 2 of the others come along when they’ve got time, and they all love it as well!!
I hope we will have another great season with FC, this will be my last as a season ticket holder, but just the fact that we’re still (very much) up and running (“it won’t last until Christmas”, hey?!!) is great, it’s the ultimate fuck off to the suits ruining our game!!
It'll Be Off 